WORDS...WHAT POWER ARE THERE IN WORDS!

(No seriously...what power are there in words?)

So...you have decided to visit, what I like to call, the WORDSTORE.

This fortnights essay :

The following essay is not factual. Nor do I believe in evolution. This
was something I wrote while studying Biology in 7th form at High School
(I don't know what that means is to you. Suffice to say that a kid in the

"AUSTRALOPITHECINES AND THE ORIGIN OF MODERN MAN".
By Jene Hamahona

In the beginning...

About 4 million years ago precisely there came upon the earth our now extinct ancestors. Now when I say ancestors I don't mean people that look like you or me. No, quite the contrary, I mean ape-like people with big jaws and full body hair and who, on average, were not much much taller than 4 foot in height. One possible reason for their being extinct now-a-days is that they couldn't fend off the giant dragonflies who, seemingly having a head start at this evolution idea, had already evolved machine guns on their wings (These mutant dragon flies in turn died out due to a lack of ammunition.). Scientists called these ancestors 'APE-MEN'. Everyone else thought that the word 'AUSTRALOPITHECINE' was a lot more user friendly. So after a lot of discussion and gun fire the scientists gave in and they called them that.

No-one really knows where the 'that's' came from. Rumour has it that they themselves evolved from a line of arboreal (Tree-dwelling) apes called 'OAK-APES'. These OAK-APES also became extinct a long time ago when they discovered, to their amazement, that there were actually no oak trees in the area. They then trekked over to Northern Europe, from where ever they were before, and started up a universal ring of hamburger shops but, since no-one knew what a hamburger was including the OAK APES, everyone starved and died.

Enough about who died where. How did we get to be?

There are two major forms of these AUSTRALOPITHECINES commonly believed to have existed. They are the gracile form and the robust form. The difference between the two types were body structural. The easiest way to explain what I am saying without drawing a picture is for me to do a little table, which out of my deep generosity, I have done for you :

GRACILE VERSION	= GRACILE	= VERY GRACEFUL	= BALLET
ROBUST VERSION	= ROBUST	= VERY ROBUSTICAL	= RUGBY

Note - If you have not heard of Rugby then think of American Football without the pads.
Note Note - If you have heard of neither Rugby or American Football then that's too bad.

So as you can see Rugby players evolved from the robust form and Ballet dancers from the gracile. As a note of interest the Robust form of AUSTRALOPITHECINE are supposed to have nothing to do with the human lineage which proves once and for all that most Rugby players are, in the technical sense, not human...

Evolution...step by step...

No other creature on the face of the earth had ever thought of evolving into MODERN MAN. When the AUSTRALOPITHECINES decided to then that was probably the beginning. "But how?", you ask, "I mean...what were the evolutionary steps that the AUSTRALOPITHCINES took get to where we are to day?". Well, my guess is that the AUSTRALOPITHECINES gathered together one-day but instead of going out for a picnic they chose to evolve into MODERN MAN. Below is a dialogue of what I think the historic conversation sounded like :

Q : Who thinks we should go for a picnic?

A : Not me.

Q : Who thinks we should evolve into MODERN MAN?

A : Me!

Q : How should we do it?

A : Do what?

Q : It had something to do with a picnic.

And so we strike the first hurdle. The AUSTRALOPITHECINES had very small brains and their memories were terrible. So for a long time the evolutionary process went nowhere until, and it was more than likely a female, a gracile AUSTRALOPITHECINE whom we shall name Rodger, said out loud, "Why don't we grow bigger brains?". Rodger said this because her stupid monkey looking husband kept forgetting important things like :

It didn't help, after all he was a male. Still the increase of brain size was the first step on the way to becoming MODERN MAN.

...by step...by step...

The next step was made once braininess was achieved. That step was the invention of Humour. This was indeed pivotal because before humour there was no clue as to what they should do next. Humour, by mistake, gave the AUSTRALOPITHECINES the next step. You see with the initial invention of humour came the inevitable invention of impressions. The AUSTRALOPITHECINES were renowned around the globe for their often tasteless and wittless impressions of animals, which included sheep, alligators, giraffes and, as it so happened, MODERN MAN. MODERN MAN was always a big hit since he walked in an upright fashion. The AUSTRALOPITHECINES would often say to each other, "Look at that MODERN MAN. What an upright and modern looking idiot!" and laugh heartily until their newly evolved spleens burst. The ones who laughed soon had to eat their laughter though, because, as fads can seemingly come from nowhere and never really go it soon became 'cool' to walk in an upright fashion. The MODERN MAN look took over. Chicks really digged the groovy upright walk, man! Then smaller jaws followed, itself followed by shaving and height.

Hence 4 million years later, here we are today

And that is what scientists propose as the evolution of man. Well...that's what I think...I can't quite remember...maybe I made it all up. Anyway, I've run out of room so I must end now.

GOODBYE!

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