Musician Jokes Galore
MUSICIAN JOKES FROM THE NET AND OTHER PLACES
Firstly (And only I guess?), Drummer Jokes.
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
From the Drummers Dictionary:
Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why do bands need Roadies?
To translate what the drummer says.
One day a drummer walks into a bar...then another...then another walks into the same bar, which is funny because you would have thought the third would have seen the other two guys lying next to it on the ground.
A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000.
The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."
Q: What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon?
A: Farfromthinken
Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for
him.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?". "You're a drummer, aren't you?". "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?". "This is a travel agency!".
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops.".
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!".
"Bass solo."
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?
A really dumb gorrilla!!!
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine to do that now.
Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me either.
Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So they don't have to retrain the drummers.
Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: How can you make a drummer stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!
Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings." The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?". "I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings.". The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?". "Yeah! How did you know man?". "This is a fish and chip shop!"
Johnny: Mummy I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mum: But Johnny, you can't do both.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out...
Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on.".
The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?". "190.". So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.
"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?". "About 100.". So they chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?". "About 25.".
"What kind of sticks do you use?".
Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs?"
Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"