Christian Jokes Galore


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CHRISTIAN JOKES FROM THE NET AND OTHER PLACES AS WELL...



Question and Answer type jokes :

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic schizophrenic?
A: He was in two minds as to whether there is a dog!

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really were a "dog"!

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac, amnesiac?
A: He forgot thet he formerly lay awake at night wondering if there really were a "dog"!

Q: Did you hear about the group of dyslexic devil worshippers in the Ozarks?
A: They sold their souls to Santa!

Q: What do you call a charismatic at an auction?
A: Broke.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: Did you know the Bible talks about women drivers?
A: In the book of Acts, Paul said they let down the sails, threw the tackle overboard and "let her drive", ...and they shipwrecked!

Q: What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common?
A: Their middle names!

Q:Why do they say "Amen" at the end of a prayer instead of "Awomen"?
A:The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

Q: Who is the shortest person in the Bible?
A: Bildad the Shuhite! . . . or . . .
A: Knee High Miah! . . . or . . .
A: Peter (when he slept on his watch) . . . or . . .
A: Jesus (when He spoke on a mustard seed)

Q: Who is the largest woman in the bible?
A: The woman of Some area (Samaria Jn 4)

Q: How do we know Moses was constipated?
A: He was told to go up a mountain and take two tablets.

Q: What is the first recorded case of constipation?
A: It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: Did you know that the apostles drove a Honda?
A: In Acts is says they were all in one Accord.

Q: Are there any women in Heaven? Are there any preachers in Heaven?
A: Yes indeed. ("....there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour." (Rev 8:1))

Q: When is the first food fight mentioned in the Bible?
A: "I looked and behold a flying roll!" (Zech 5:1 KJV)

Q: Did you know there is mention of a cricket match in the bible?
A: At Pentecost when Peter stood up with the eleven and was bowled. (bold)!!


Wordy type jokes

God said unto Moses come forth, come forth, but he tripped, came fifth and got the silver tea cup!

Then there was the cannibal who ate the Charismatic Missionary, but threw up his hands.

During the time the church was being persecuted in Rome, a christian was thrown to the lions. As he waited to be eaten, he knelt down and prayed. Looking up, he was suprised to see the lion also kneeling in prayer. Seeing the look of bewilderment on the christian's face, the lion said to him "I don't know what you're doing, but I'm saying grace"

An English sage goes to God, and says "Lord we need to learn the meaning of patience, the meaning of eternity, how to sit for hours and not feel guilty." And God says "Certainly my son, here you are, the rules for cricket".


The Silent Monk

There was a man, approaching middle age, whose life was comfortable, but he felt an emptiness inside, a longing. So he decide to join a monastery. The head monk told him that the road ahead was difficult, he would have to give up all earthly possessions, pray constantly, and he would have to be totally silent. In fact, he could not speak at all, to anyone. He was allowed only to say two words every five years. So the man joins and becomes a monk, and he is silent.

Five years goes by, and the Pope comes to visit. The man is summoned before the pope, and he is asked "So, how is everything?" The man answers "Bed hard". The Pope replies, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we didn't know. We'll take care of that right away. You should be comfortable in bed." And the bed was fixed.

Another five years goes by, the man is silent, and again, the Pope comes to visit. He again asks "How are you, my son, is all OK?" The man replies to the Pope "Food cold", to which the Pope replies, "Oh my, that is no good, we will take care of that problem right away. No more cold food."

Again, five more years goes by, the man is the ideal monk, he prays, he is silent. This time, the Pope can't visit, so the man is called before his superior, who asks "How are you, are you OK?" To which the man replies "I quit". So his superior says, in surprise, "Well, of course you quit, you've been here for fifteen years and all you've done is complain!"


The Pastor and the Eggs

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?".

The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."


The Clergy and the Barber

A barber said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step.

A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step.

A couple of days later the Baptist preacher came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready to get their hair cut!


Carried away in worship

Members of one church were getting carried away in Worship one evening. The tambourines a shaking, the drums a rocking and choruses and prayers asscended to Heaven in a never ending stream. Amidst the sighs and ecstatic shouts of joy, one old man was truly overcome with emotion:

"Ah Lord, Thoust can see we are having a blessed time this evening, but this is nothing, Lord, Thoust should have been here at the meeting last week, Lord!"


Adam and his Partner

God had just finished creating Adam. God said to him "Adam, I want you to pick out a partner from any of the animals in the garden." So Adam looked around trying to find a mate. After a few minutes Adam said to God "God, none of these animals will do." So God made a woman for Adam.
Adam looked at the woman and said to God, "God, why did you make her so beautiful?"
God replied "So you will like her Adam.".
Adam said, "But God, she is just SO beautiful, why is she so beautiful?".
"So you will like her" God replied.
Then Adam asked, "But God, why did you make her so stupid?".
God replied "So she will like you."


Jesus at the Pearly Gates

One day Jesus was staffing the Pearly Gates for St. Peter when a soul arrived:
Jesus : Welcome. It is our custom to ask new arrivals if there is any unfinished business on earth they would like to see completed before entering into heaven.
Man: Well actually there is. You see, a number of years ago I was separated from my son and I hear different stories but I don't know for sure exactly what happened to him.
Jesus: Well it shouldn't be too hard to find out. Let's start with your name.
Man: Well, I was named after Jacob's son Joseph.
Jesus: Hmm, well OK. Where did you live?
Man: In a small fishing village near the Mediterranean Sea.
Jesus: Hmm. And your occupation?
Man: Why, I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Hmmm. Anything special you can tell me about your son?
Man: My son was very special. God himself gave him life. There never has been nor will there ever be another like him.
Jesus: Wait! You're the carpenter Joseph from a fishing village with a very special son?
Man: Yes, that's right.
Jesus: Oh my, my. Why your MY father. (Throwing his arms around the man) Oh, father, father.
Man: (Tearfully embracing Jesus) Oh, my son, my son, my long lost son, Pinnochio! Pinnochio!


And, of course, Lightbulb Jokes...

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q: How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.

Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many independent baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 25. One to screw in the new lamp. Two dozen to bind the powers of darkness.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what... 30?

Q: How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman.!

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it Himself!

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!

Q: How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1 - he just holds it in the socket and the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: How many University chaplains does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they wouldn't change it in case it offended any other sincere lightbulbs.


If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:

at 45 mph...."God Will Take Care of Me"

at 55 mph...."Guide me, O Great Jehovah"

at 65 mph...."Nearer My God to Thee"

at 75 mph...."Nearer Still Nearer"

at 85 mph...."This World is not my Home"

at 95 mph...."Lord, I'm Coming Home"

at 100 mph...."Precious Memories"


Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century

Capitalism- He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna- He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism- He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican- They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox- No, they were OURS first.
Branch Da vidians- He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism- The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Sci.- We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai- All toys are just fine with us.
Amish- Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism- The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism- Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo- Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism- To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism- He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist- He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses- He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism- Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism- We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism- It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.